NY 101 - THE RULES and a glossary

so it's been just about two months since I moved to the city. it feels more like eight.. you know what they say about new york minutes. it really is true, maybe just because of the spectacle or your mind trying to process so much going on around you. david cross says in his stand-up that new york is like a conflict between staring at either the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, or the craziest man you've ever seen, and they're walking different directions and you can't stare at both. I'd say that's true except that staring at anybody is especially rude here. and you can't make eye contact with a crazy person because then you've engaged them, and you really, really don't want that.

one learns to affect a vacant stare on the subway, which is a little bit more difficult when the train is crowded.. you wind up staring at somebody's elbow for a while. I think this might be part of the reason visitors think new yorkers are rude - it's an odd experience to wind up sitting scrunched between two people and trying to find a blank spot to stare at to avoid engaging anyone in conversation if you're not used to it. but in the end, I think it makes the commute a lot more comfortable. you don't have to deal with being social when you're on your way to work.

waiting for the subway is really, really boring. and when you live here you spend a good chunk of your time doing it. you either listen to the street performers, some of whom are really good, read a book (which you should never, ever be without) or look around on the tracks for rats. they're little things, (the rats, not the musicians), and are exactly the muddy gray color of the ground under the tracks. did they evolve that way? you usually see them when you're not looking for them.. a little scurrying next to the rail. yesterday I saw two of them engaged in what I thought must be a territory dispute, making little high-pitched squeaks at each other. they were like, "that's MY area next to the crushed soda bottle caked with mud! YOU live over by the half buried lottery ticket." the subway tracks are a gross, gross place.

by all accounts, new york really isn't that difficult to get around in if you know the rules, because new yorkers absolutely love to tell people where to go. it's hard to really get lost because of this. nobody actually cares if you're a tourist, as far as I can tell--you have to assume that a big percentage of the people you come across are going to be tourists, anyway-- as long as you don't piss people off and follow THE RULES. here are THE RULES of new york courtesy as they've been explained to me and as I understand them..

Rule #1 - do not ever, for any reason, stop in the middle of the sidewalk.
this was the first rule I learned on my first trip to new york city. my friend paddle taught me this. she was like, see a dollar bill in the middle of the sidewalk? keep walking. dead baby? keep walking. people are trying to get where they're going on time, and if you stop in the middle of the sidewalk to crane your neck and stare up at a building like a moron, they're going to plow right into you.

it's perfectly acceptable to step over to the edge of the sidewalk, near the street or near the buildings, and take pictures or tie your shoes or whatever. but any abrupt changes of your trajectory are just asking for trouble. walking through a big crowd actually takes its own kind of skill. I find the best way to navigate it is to sort of relax your eyes, pick a direction, and walk purposefully. it's like announcing your intention. if you're coming up on somebody on a collision course with you, you notice it a few paces away, and they notice it, and one of the two of you changes direction before you get close. this is where it's important to just pick something and stick with it. otherwise you do that weird dancing around each other awkward thing, which makes people slow down, which pisses them off.

Rule #2 - if you see a celebrity, don't be tacky.

it is the height of new york rudeness to freak out around a celebrity and bother them. if you're here long enough, you're going to see one - they live here and work here and come here on business or for fun, and they don't always want to be on display. they hide behind giant sunglasses and baggy, ill-fitting clothing- this is the international dress code for "please, please leave me alone."

if their work means something to you, it's okay to tell them, provided they're not eating, talking on the phone, or in another way occupied. if you have something genuine to say, they're usually gracious and happy to hear it. but don't bother them otherwise. this is really important, not only because it's just plain good manners, but because there's a serious stigma attached to this in new york.. nothing screams "tourist" or "amateur" more.

Rule #3 - don't stare at people.
this one is in its way tragic, because there are so many interesting or crazy or beautiful people that you just want to stare at all day. some people just blow you away with how gorgeous they are. you want to check out the hair, the shoes, the coat, the makeup, the case - my impulse, anyway, is to try and figure out how they put every piece together to create this nimbus of fabulousness. this is probably also why new yorkers have such well-developed peripheral vision.


and now it's time for a handy
NEW YORK GLOSSARY!

here are some terms you might come across in new york:

bloomberg - new york city mayor. if you want to relate to anybody, just start complaining about the price of something, roll your eyes or scowl and go "ugh, bloomberg!" and you will make a friend.

bridge & tunnel - describes people that don't live in manhattan, and therefore have to get there one way or another.

gentrification - definitely a buzzword you'll hear a lot. it means rich people moving into lower-income neighborhoods, bringing up the cost of living there and making it more difficult for everybody else to keep their places at the same price.

MTA - metropolitan transit authority. the subway and bus people. the subways are the veins and arteries of the city, and in new york you're going to spend a lot of time on them, even if you have a car. but you need to know the appropriate title so that you can complain about them correctly (i.e. "yeah, they're building an N line down 2nd ave, which doesn't make any sense because it's a good four avenue blocks away from the water, so why would I not just take the 6? f'ing MTA!").

NFT - the not for tourists guide to new york city. this book is amazing, and every transplant new yorker I know swears up and down by it. it divides manhattan into something like 35 maps, each one listing the banks, coffee shops, restaurants (complete with price guide and description), bars, grocery stores, shopping, bike paths, post offices, and such. it has a handy fold-out subway map which I've relied on heavily. if you're spending any amount of time in the city, you must have this book.

PBR - pabst blue ribbon, the beer you come to love because it's all you can drink because it's cheap. in bars where a mixed drink will run you $8, you can get a pitcher of PBR sometimes for $10 or cheaper.

third rail - on the subway tracks, this is the rail that is the third one in from the platform. it's bigger than the first two that the train rides on, and carries all of the electricity. it's more than a lethal amount, so if you step on it you'll get fried. apparently it happens sometimes, somebody drops something on to the tracks and, like a stupid person, jumps down and tries to get it. they might either get fried by the third rail or plowed by a train, which is going much faster than it would appear. the platform is also a lot deeper than it looks, so it's hard to get back up. here also is where new yorkers defy their rude, selfish reputation, because every year there are a handful of stories of somebody falling onto the tracks, and of people jumping down to help them back up.

zagat - this is the definitive guide to restaurants in new york. you must have it if you like to eat food and have enough money to pay for good food.. sigh. it must be nice.


that's about it for now. time to try and schlep (see that? I'm so assimilated) my giant suitcase to the laundromat. because I'm like, an adult now. sort of.